What to Say to the Guy You’re Friend-Zoning

“Oh, one other thing!” I momentarily paused my pacing and tried to find the words to say. “You still think of me platonically, right?”

The silence stretched way too long.

“Uh oh.” I slid to the hard, cold floor. Peter and I were friends. Good friends. We encouraged and challenged each other, prayed for each other, and gave each other relationship advice about other people.

“Well . . .” As Peter confessed his feelings, mine grew tangled. I was flattered, surprised, empathetic, and confused.

What on earth was I supposed to say?

I didn’t want to hurt him, but I also wasn’t interested. I didn’t want to lose this wonderful friendship, but now things were awkward.

I know many of you relate. It’s tough and complicated. So today, I want to share four principles to keep in mind when responding to these situations.

1. Recognize His Courage.

Later, after the awkward summer of unrequited feelings, Peter admitted to me that the rejection was “soul-crushing.” Baring your heart to someone requires incredible vulnerability. With so much to lose, it takes a ton of courage to confess your affection to someone.

When you’re on the receiving side, it can be tempting to brush him off—you want the conversation to end as soon as possible (and perhaps you’re a little afraid as well, facing such a delicate situation).

But in our hearts and in our words, let’s recognize and honor the courage of our friend.

2. Be Honest.

“If you want to stay friends with him, you have to be 100% clear that nothing is ever going to happen. You have to give him the ability to move on,” my guy friends advised.

It would have been easier to hedge my words, but without honesty, walls form in friendships:

• If we act like there is a chance when there isn’t, we are playing with our friend’s heart, causing more pain in the long run.
• If we tell them that we don’t like them for a reason that isn’t true, we are leaving them vulnerable to all sorts of lies about themselves or their value.

Most of the time, we say these things trying to spare their feelings, but it does the very opposite. “Letting him down easy” includes honesty. Honesty is kind. Honesty honors God and the person who bears His image.

“Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy” (Proverb 27:6).

3. Be Intentional About Who You Confide In.

If you want to continue to be friends with the guy you friend-zoned, it is vital that both of you are intentional about who you tell. If you share with the wrong person (or simply too many people) . . .

• Continual questions can cause awkwardness to persist beyond its natural fade.
• Private feelings may end up being shared with someone who wasn’t meant to hear them.
• Too many cooks in the kitchen can confuse and paralyze our decision-making or distract us from listening to God’s voice.

We need the support and advice of trusted, mature believers around us, but as you share, make sure the “who” and “how” are thoughtful, prayerful decisions.

“Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy in spirit keeps a thing covered” (Proverb 11:13).

4. Know That This Might Be More Than One Conversation.

In the heat of the moment, especially when you aren’t expecting a confession of love, it can be hard to determine the right next steps.

• We may say we need a break from the friendship when we don’t.
• We may say that nothing needs to change in our friendship without realizing it already has.
• We may be too specific or too vague about boundaries without actually knowing what we need.

Taking time to process things can help you care well for each other. It may even be helpful to plan a specific time to finish the conversation and talk about how to move forward. That way, it’s not an endless “Is this okay? Are we okay?”, but it’s also not over and done before you’ve had a chance to think about the best way forward and receive advice.

As Peter and I blundered through follow-up conversations and awkward honesty, God slowly began to restore our friendship. It was never the same—but as we focused on each other’s well-being throughout the friendzone process (and it was a process), our friendship strengthened and grew.

If you are in the process of friend-zoning someone, have hope. Every friendship is different because every person is different. Some friendships will grow distant. Some will grow healthier. Some might even turn into more than a friendship after all (a few years later, Peter and I got married).

But there is hope. So today, I want to challenge you to pray for your friend. Pray for their good, growth, and relationship with God.