OLIVIA WRITES: One of my friends lost one of her best friends a few days ago. It’s been really hard for her, because it was so sudden. How can we get over something like this and fill the gap left when someone so important to us is no longer in our lives?
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First of all: I am SO SO sorry for you friend! I will definitely be praying for her!!!
If you’re asking how you can help your friend I have 2 important tips and then 1 key word.
Tip 1: Be there for her! If she needs to cry, vent, talk, go out for ice cream to get her mind off of the situation, etc. just be there for her! Let her know you’re there. Let her know you care!
Tip 2: Give her space. I know all people are different, but some people like to grieve privately. Some people like to grieve outwardly. And other people are a combination of both (like me). Don’t overwhelm her.
The Key Word: “BALANCE” of the two tips above. Be there for her, but don’t bombard her!! One tip my mom has given me about helping people is to ask this question: “How can I help you?” or “How can I be of the most help to you?” something of that nature…it’s an open-ended question non-rhetorical question and it lets them think and tell you what they need; if anything.
If you’re asking how on a personal level we could overcome something like this if it happened to us: I’d say basically what I said above-
1) Take the time to grieve in whatever way you need: publically, privately, both, etc. “blessed are those who mourn”. Mourning is Biblical! Jesus Christ himself even wept! There’s no shame in grieving!!!
2) But don’t isolate yourself entirely. Yes, we need to grieve but isolation can lead to depression, bitterness, and otehr things. Take time to be alone, but also take time to spend with others whether it be your family, your friends, or just getting out of the house to go to the grocery store…
-There needs to be balance here also. We have to move on with our lives. Not to the extent of forgetting the person we lost or no longer being sad for our loss; but to the point of being able to still contain the joy of Christ. At the same time we need to grieve and spend time grieving.
The biggest piece of advice I can give for either side is to call on the Lord!! Overcoming grief without Christ is like trying to quench our thirst and need for water with a glass of tea. It’ll kind of work; but we’ll never be fully satisfied. Christ is the only one who can fill us. Christ is the only one who can ultimately heal your friend. Seek Him and He WILL help! I promise! =)
I hope this helps!! Again, I’m SO SO sorry for your friend!! I can’t imagine losing any of my best friends… =(
I lost my bff about a year ago. It was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever been through, because I didn’t have many other close friendships, and because, like your friend, it was pretty sudden. I would say that being in God’s word, constantly reminding yourself of God’s truth, is one of the biggest things you can do for yourself in this situation. GOD DOES NOT WANT US TO BE LONELY. That doesn’t mean that this can’t be a struggle, but it isn’t his ultimate goal for us not to have any earthly friends. However, without earthly friendships, the gap left will not be entirely filled, at least not immediately. God made us for fellowship with others. I would encourage you to really be there for your friend. Let her KNOW she can trust you to be a good friend, but that you’re not trying to replace her old friend. She probably isn’t going to ask for help, so talk to her first. I can almost guarantee that it will mean the world to her.
Assuming the friend didn’t die but rather chose to break off the relationship, I think it’s important and speaks volumes about you if you respect your friend’s decision and don’t constantly bug them. It can be very hurtful to you if someone ends a friendship, but realize that you may have inadvertently hurt them as well.
We moved to Pennsylvania about eight or nine months ago, and I had to leave my first ever best friend behind. We don’t talk that much anymore, and it was very sad leaving him. I even wrote a blog post about it (https://amessageforthemessenger.wordpress.com/2015/10/28/the-man-behind-the-door/). But how do we fill the gap? Well, I think the best way is to let Jesus fill the gap. If, once your friend left, there was a gap, I think that Jesus should be the one to fill the gap, so that you have more of Him and less of the world.
As Leah below said, God doesn’t want us to be lonely, so He doesn’t make us lonely. He makes us with Himself always beside you, so that whenever one of your earthly friends abandons you, your life-long Friend will be right there for you to take refuge in.
I also found out that somebody I used to consider a best friend turned out to not be a best friend; that friend left for somebody else. But through that, I learned that I had put too much trust, devotion, and time into that friend.
My advice, in any bad thing or crisis that happens in your life, is to ask God why He allowed it to happen. Usually, He allows it to happen so that you’ll draw closer to Him. He wants you, but sometimes the things of the world can distract us, and so He disposes of a few to get us back on track with Him.
Honestly, it helped me when I watched ‘Courageous’ and it was said that you can either be unthankful and bitter against God for not having any more time with that person or you can be thankful for the time you had together. When I made that choice the bitterness left completely. (I had moved to another country to attend a Bible College and missed one of the kids I had known in children’s ministry.)
That’s literally exactly what I was going to post! Spot on on all points!
I hope you will really be able to help your friend Olivia. I’m very sorry for your (and your friend’s) loss.
One of the best things you can do is just take time to grieve. We don’t do that very well in this culture
I don’t want to disagree with what others have said, but one important thing to remember is that God created us to have friends and to be a part of a close fellowship of believers. We were not designed to just be God and us going through life. So grieve. It’s okay. When you go through those times, people will tell you just to buck up and “God is enough” and “God will fill that void with Himself”, but God created us to want those human people. We were created to want companionship, and in that way, we were created to feel keenly the loss of that companionship. So 1.) take time to grieve, 2.) don’t let this scare you or your friend away from forming other close attachments. Any close attachment comes at the risk of possibly losing it.
1) Everyone read what Taylor had to say. It’s on point. 2) Hold her hand through the entire process. Let her take her time in each stage of grief. Let her know that it’s normal to feel angry or uncontrollably sad. We grieve deeply because we love deeply. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Be vulnerable with your friend, Olivia. Listen to her. Give wisdom where she asks for it. Allow room for honesty, openness and love. Don’t give answers or dump scripture on her grief or worry about the right things to say. Sometimes the best comfort is just a hug. A whispered “I am here for you.” A simple holding of her hand and listening intently to her. Sometimes you don’t have to say anything. Don’t try to fix her problems. Just check up on her regularly and let her know that you are praying and that you care immensely for her:) Thanks for this question, it’s important and often overlooked. I hope this helped in some way:)
I agree with this a lot. Consider that in the garden there were 3 Adam, Eve and God, and all 3 were supposed to live together eternally.
I think one reason grieving os supwr hard is we were never meant to lose one another
Hey, I am so sorry about your friend. I was in this position two years ago. A good friend of mine died suddenly two years ago because of sudden heart failure. The shocking thing was, he was the last one in the family expected to die because of this heretical sickness. He died in the middle of the night, outside of his parents door. His best friend was absolutely devastated. I was too, and everyone else, but it hit especially close to home with David.
When something like this happens you cannot simple just get over it.
It takes time.
Even after two years I still get sad from time to time, and I didn’t even know him for that long.The only thing you can really do is pray for, and be there for your friend. Now, I know it was hard to see it then, but God had a plan, I still don’t know what the purpose of his death was. At all. But I do know this…
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens that isn’t to the glory of the Lord. I hope that was helpful, and you will see the big picture throughout all of the sadness and darkness.
About a year ago my best friend came very very close to death. When he went into brain surgery they didn’t think he’d come out alive. He servived but in a way I began greving for the friend I was sure I’d lost. And I didn’t want to be alone. Yes, I leaned on Jesus. But I also really needed people to help me though it. That month that he was recovering was heartbreakingly hard. The things my friends could do was be there. Even if it was as little as answering a text message. I needed to know I was not alone.
My advice. Humans aren’t made to be alone. We long for love and friendship. And when that’s taken away it hurts. A lot. And so we need more love and friendship to help us though it.
If you’re the one who lost your friend. Know that there are Christians ready to help you and love you. Yes. It hurts. But you dont have to face it alone.
If you friend lost a friend. Be there and pray for them. Answer the text messages. Be ready to hang out with them. Even if you don’t know what to say. Grab a basket ball and go shoot hoops with them. Things like that.
I hope this helps.
Very well said! I really want to pull out how you said “dumping scripture” I’ve seen this done before, all good is meant, but it makes someone feel like “it’s wrong to be sad” It’s not! It’s wrong to live in sadness, but it’s not wrong to feel sad! It’s natural, it’s needed. Bundling it up won’t make it go away! Be a friend who can just sit and listen to the hurt and the pain and all the emotional rollercoasters. I hope this helps. All the best.
We have had a friend recently that left our church a few days ago. It’s was very sad. I would just pray, comfort, and hope for the best.
I am very sorry for your friend!
I ‘lost’ a very good online friend of mine recently. I met him a little over a year ago. He was suicidal and anorexic at the time, and he was demon possessed. I know, that sounds like a really bad person to be involved with, but he needed help, and I believe God led me to him so I could help him. I ended up saving his life, and the more he talked to me and I prayed for him, the demons began to leave him. After a few weeks, the demons were gone, and he was no longer suicidal. It was truly amazing to see God work like that. I tried witnessing to my friend, and he ‘kinda’ believed in God, but he never did trust Him as his savior (which breaks my heart). But, we were really good friends, and we talked all the time. Then, for the past 6 months, we were ‘going our own ways’ and weren’t talking much. And then on March 6th (last month), one day before the ‘anniversary’ of us meeting each other, he told me that he no longer cares for me. That just about ripped my heart out. I cried a lot that night. I still care for him, though. I just greatly hope that someday the Lord will get a hold of his heart, and he will turn to Him.
Losing a friend is very hard, but the Lord allows us to go through things like this for a reason. It really does make us lean on Him more.
This is a song that has really helped me get through many hard times in life. God will never forsake us. People can and will let us down, but God is faithful, and will never leave us. Praise the Lord for that!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9c6AoJVGXsg&spfreload=10