Friendship Is Painful, Messy, and Totally Worth It

Great article, Hannah! Thanks for writing! =)

And hey @brooklynmm:disqus looking at the pic for this article it looks like you’re not the only girl with a mustache! ;-P

Great post. Communication definitely heals friendships…even if its over email.

Helpful post.

Wow. That’s a predicament. I can’t say as I’ve ever been introverted, but I used to be pretty shy. I would like to offer you advice but I’ve been in the public eye my whole life and I’ve had to initiate and engage in conversations with many people on many different levels. First of all I want to say that being the shy, quiet type isn’t a bad thing. A lot of quiet people have something that so many outgoing people lack and that is the ability to listen -really listen- to others. I can do both but I confess that sometimes I’m too busy trying to think of what I’ll say next to really be listening to someone. But I would say one of the most important qualities to look for in a friend is for them to be a good listener. As for engaging in conversations, sometimes people think it would be weird or awkward to go up to someone they don’t know and initiate a conversation. In some situations it might be, but for me, I really admire the people who are bold enough to initiate conversations with me. Believe it or not, most people don’t. I guess they think I’m unapproachable or above them somehow because of what I do (which is totally not true) but despite my best attempts to have the appearance of being approachable to people, I usually do have to initiate conversations. I’ve learned over the years you have to be able to read a person sometimes in order to know how best to reach them on their level. Usually I will swap pleasantries, introduce myself, then try and find common ground. A conversation with me would be different though simply because of what I do and the fact that I ask way different questions then you would probably ask a stranger. =p I won’t go into all that. But the thing to remember is that they’re people just like you. A lot of them probably feel awkward initiating conversation with strangers as well (unless first introduced by a mutual acquaintance). I’ve learned it’s best to be yourself and if they think you’re weird for walking up and talking to them, that’s their problem. Their loss for depriving themselves of your company. =p People who don’t like you for who you are aren’t worth having as friends anyway. The best thing to do though is pray. God will give you the words to say and lead you to the right friends. So trust Him. I know it’s difficult to talk to people sometimes, but it’s a leap of faith, just like anything else in life. And you have to overcome that fear to move on to the blessings God has in store for you when you take that leap of faith. And if you just be yourself, concentrate more on drawing closer to God and being like Jesus than gaining approval from peers, that will draw other people to you. They will see in you the best qualities for a friend. Seek out the company of those who will build you up, sharpen you, encourage you. Be that kind of friend to others as well. Someone they can trust and confide in. Seek God in everything. Making friends isn’t easy sometimes, but it’s always worth the effort. You get out what you put in, so keep your eyes on Jesus and give it your all. Hope this helps.

Thank you for trying to help! I have been praying for the past two years about this, and I just haven’t seen God’s answer yet. Since you seem to have so much good advice, maybe you can help me with something more specific. There is one person in particular that I keep thinking about (and praying almost daily for because of it!), and we’ve talked quite a bit over Facebook messages and such, but in person I can never seem to approach. There are a lot of qualities in this person that I feel like other people don’t recognize (I am one of those people you mentioned who’s good at listening–a bonus for being quiet I guess!), and I prize this person’s company every time I find myself in it. But it seems that in the past two years since we met, whatever mild acquaintanceship we had has been fading, which I didn’t think was even possible because we weren’t that close to begin with, and I’m really just afraid to lose them because they mean a great deal to me. Last month I wrote a letter telling them the things I appreciated about them and put it somewhere this person was guaranteed to find it, but nothing has changed since then. This person is the only person that is really easy for me to read because we have similar body language, and I’ve noticed for quite awhile now (since before I gave them the letter) that they seem uncomfortable around me, especially when it’s just the two of us, though that hardly ever happens. I know of several common interests that we share. Do you have any suggestions as to how I can get closer to this person and maybe figure out why they’re so uneasy around me?

Also, it seems that since I’ve been struggling so hard with my inability to talk, everyone around me has accepted that I’m just shy and they don’t even attempt to talk to me, which is not really what I want because introverts need friends too (even if they try to convince you otherwise!). So it seems to be all up to me to break out of this annoying shyness by myself, which is basically the hardest thing I can imagine doing. (Yes, I’ve told God that too! He’s all up to date on my social issues. :P) Do you have any further advice for me on this? I’ve thought a lot about it and I think working side-by-side with someone or a small group of maybe three or four would be the easiest way to start, but I can’t ever find situations like that.

Thank you again for your advice!

Haha Ikr?!

I usually hurt people, unintentionally but I still do it this article helped me a lot because I do usually shut people out because I don’t want to talk about it
Thank you hannah

Thank you so much for this post! I’ve just been struggling with the whole idea of friendship. I thought I had some good close friends, but now I don’t even know what that means. I don’t really know how to start the meaningful conversations that lead to deep friendships. I’m miffed at my best friend right now because I feel like she just goes with the flow and doesn’t really try to go anywhere with our friendship. I feel like I’ve been trying for so long, but our friendship is kind of stale. I’m the type of person who has lots of acquaintances, but few real friends, so if I lose her, I don’t know who I would have left. She’s the only friend I would tell anything to. I want to make new friends, but I don’t really know how. At the same time, I don’t really want to lose my best friend. Advice, encouragement? I was about ready to give up on friendship, but this post reminded me that it’s worth it, even if I can’t see that right now.

The Damsel, such good points! And thank you. I am glad you were blessed by the post.

Thanks, Benjamin! Communication is so important for maintaining a good relationship with someone else.

I feel the same way… Don’t give up on your friend. I’m the go with the flow friend so I can tell u, your friend doesn’t mean to hurt you. It’s just how we are. Pray for God to give you good close friends. I’ve done that when someone really important in my life changed schools. By the end of the year, I am friends with someone I never thought would be God’s answer to my prayer. It might take some time. And be hard to wait. But our Father hears the prayers of our heart.

Thank you for posting this! This is a big issue for me as well. Like you, I have difficulty communicating. I hate being vulnerable. I want to get to know others, but I’m scared to let them get to know me. But the Lord has been teaching me that it’s necessary, and your post confirmed that. 🙂 and it’s also nice to know that someone else takes friendship as seriously as I do! Sometimes, I wonder if I’m taking it too seriously, but thank you for your reminder that it *is* a serious thing.

Thanks, Priscila!

You’re welcome, @disqus_l3N95Mzisz:disqus! Glad my article could an encouragement to you!

Thanks, @programguy:disqus! It’s easy to give up on friendships because of the mess it can create, but true friends are worth persevering with. 😉

Hmm…well I’m a little rusty in the field of advice giving pertaining to specific situations. I’ll do my best though. Truth is, I like people like you. If I were with you in person right now, trust me, I could get you talking and probably comfortable talking about things from a varying range of subjects. I’ve done it multiple times. That being said though, not everyone knows how to interact with people who are different than them. For instance, sometimes I’m uncomfortable striking up conversations with certain people who are (for lack of a better word) off. You know, autistic and such. And I hate that I’m uncomfortable with that, but we all have our limitations. That being said, the main reason certain people are hesitant to approach you or ill at ease in your company may just be because you are different than they are and they aren’t sure how to connect with you. So then both parties involved would find themselves in the same dilemma. That’s a helpful thing for you to keep in mind. I too took my inability to communicate properly with people who had disabilities to God and although I can’t say as the discomfort is completely gone, it has diminished significantly and I am able to communicate with them with only some trepidation. My point is, God may not always take away the things you feel are hindering you. Sometimes I get frustrated when I don’t see all my problems being resolved in the way I want it to happen, but God works different than I do, and He knows that those limitations in my life are there for my own good. Working through those problems rather than wishing them away is what makes you into the person God wants you to be. So I commend you for making an effort to work through them.

Since I don’t know anything about this person in your scenario, my advice may not be the best you’ll ever get. =) First, please continue to pray about it. God can work things out way better than any of us. Also, communication is key. I’m not for sure on the specifics of your relationship with this person, so I can’t really offer solid advice. Of course, when people feel like they’re losing someone they care about they generally become obsessed, clingy and somewhat stalkerish. Do not do this. You will creep whoever this person is out. =p You just have to continue to make an effort to talk to them, spend time with them. Let them know you care about them and you are someone they can trust. Like I said, being a listener is a really good thing, but you have to talk every once in a while. One-sides conversations get old. Lol. 😉 But again, put your relationship with God above all else. Just as you see qualities you want in a friend in this person, live your faith out in a way that others will see those qualities in you. And I can’t stress enough the need to rely wholly on God. Talk to Him. Trust Him. He understands. I’m going to make a bold statement here that I believe is completely true:

Prayer is the single most powerful tool placed in the hands of any human.

Prayer changes things. God will give you what you need, and even some things that you want, and if you seek Him with your whole heart, all these things will be added unto you. He will give you the desires of your heart. And I want you to know that I’m praying for you as well. I really do mean that.

This post describes perfectly a situation me and my friends just got through. Many times we all thought backing off of each other was a good idea, but like in this article, is was all miscommunication, and once we all talked to each other it was surprising how small and simple the issue really was.
There is no way now that this is all over, that I would let my friends go because of miscommunication. They are my supports in life, and if I lost them I would be pretty miserable. So, to those who are reading this that haven’t gone through anything like this before, please apply this article, because it WILL help you.

Haha! Okay, if I meet you I’ll shove a piece of cake with whipped topping in your face! I’ve always wanted to do that

That is awesome! I love that God made everyone different and how some people, like you, are so good at making friends. But don’t be surprised if something does happen eventually because even those who are good at friendship can run into really difficult people. 😉

@disqus_1yGVAdPqZy:disqus, I am glad this was helpful for you. I also have had to fight the tendency to just shut myself up from the world because I am afraid of what others might think.

Hi @mateideyr:disqus, thanks for commenting with all of your questions. They are really good questions, many of which I have asked myself. Growing up, I was a super shy girl and even now I still can be shy with strangers. I have never been very good with starting a conversation and keeping it going. I am always nervous about meeting someone new at church and don’t really know the best way to do it either. I freaked out and got sick to my stomach before I did a 5 minute presentation in front of only half of my class (like 12 people) last semester. I think I understand a lot of what you may be experiencing, but I have grown a whole lot since being 12 years old and hardly being able to say a word to strangers and I know that I am still growing in the ability to communicate and be friends with others. So I will try to share with you a couple things that have maybe helped me and hopefully something that I say may be helpful for you, as well.
Something my mom has taught me is to ask questions that have a “tennis ball” affect. That means, you throw that person a question that makes them come back with a response or question that causes you to have to respond in turn back to their response and so on. I don’t have specific examples at the moment, but maybe that idea can help you in trying to keep a conversation going.
Second, try to be self-forgetful. Don’t think about yourself, but about the person you are talking to. It is really hard to do. I struggle with this all the time, but it is really important. When you are talking to someone, your mind should be focused on them and how you can reach out and love the other person rather than on yourself or what the other person might think about you.
It is ok to be the “awkward” person. Let me try to explain and hopefully this will make sense. So honestly I try to never view any situation I am in as an “awkward” situation, but I wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of people would classify me as a really awkward person, yet the truth is I don’t really care. So sometimes this may mean I will walk up to someone randomly and just introduce myself to them and I have no good way to do it. I just plain and simple have to walk up and say, “Hi, my name is Hannah! What’s yours?” From there I move on to other random and probably really strange questions or else moments of silence when neither of us know what to say and it may just get to a point where you have to move on, but it could be that person is able to start talking just because you were willing to notice them and walk up and say hi. Honestly I think that can mean the world to some people. Also don’t be afraid of moments of silence. It is ok to have a few moments of silence with a friend. Of course, after a certain point your gonna have to say something, but I think often times people are just afraid of any kind of break or silence in a conversation and that really does not have to be awkward. Things really are only awkward if we decide to make it awkward. Hopefully that makes sense.
Find out the hobbies of the person you are talking to. That often can give you a good idea of fun things you can do with that person. Maybe both of you like to bake or cook than you could get together and bake something. Or maybe your both are outdoors people, than you could consider going on a hike or a bike ride. There are so many fun things to do with friends, you just have to find out what the other person likes to do and I am sure that ya’ll could find at least one thing in common. Hobbies are a great way to get a conversation going too. Other topics of conversation could be sharing each others testimony with one another, sharing favorite scripture passages, sharing favorite book titles, etc. 😉
Not every acquaintance is going to blossom into a friendship, but it never hurts to meet new people and you never know how much that can bless someone else for you to just talk to them once, even if it does not turn into anything. Furthermore, how are you going to know if they are worth pursuing as a friend if you don’t take the first few steps of getting to know them yourself? It is easy to want wait for someone else to come up to you and start a conversation first, but more than likely they are thinking the same thing about you. Don’t expect the other person to make the first step, but make the first step yourself.
Well, I have said a lot, but hopefully something I have said will help you. @Abbyallen1:disqus also had some really good things to say. Keep persevering and keep trying. I think you’re taking the right steps forward. 😉

Agreed! =)

Hahaha, I don’t think I’m quite as bad as that. Asking for ketchup or salt is easy ~ all you have to do is put yourself in the highest state of apathy, like you care about nothing in the world, convince yourself that feeling fear or anything else in that moment is not even worth the effort, and just say, “Yo, can I get some ketchup?” (Maybe that’s not such good advice, but it works for me lolol) It’s just conversations that I have trouble with. But yeah, totally comforting. 😛

Lol. I like your new profile pic by the way. It’s pretty cool. =)

This is so me as well! I hate being vulnerable, but I find that I grow closer to my friends when I am!

Thanks. 🙂

Thank you for this, Hannah! I’ve come to a point in my life recently where I’ve begun to have…well, real friends, and it’s been incredible! It’s also been a bit terrifying, though, for many of the reasons you mentioned, so thank you for sharing this. I needed to hear it! 🙂

I have taught you well. 🙂 You finally caught on to the heart thing. 😛

I thankfully have had some awesome friendships, and i have the opposite problem but i probably should take friendships more seriously.

WOW sorry that was super long haha

Again? Lol 🙂

Me too!
after not really caring about having friends most of my life, now having a really good friend brings emotional ups and downs, but all in all, I thank God for this new blessing!

I upvoted for the heart alone. I don’t think I’ve used it yet, it seems too weird 🙂

It’s funny how sometimes you know something, but you just need someone to say it. Thank you! 🙂

i’m scared of what others think a lot

Thank you for taking the time to write this article, Hannah! I know that I need to be reminded of these things many times over! It all comes down to the principle of showing true, unchanging love to others. If we love like Jesus did, our friendships will flourish! Your sister in Christ, Rachel

(At first I thought your heart meant you had less than 3 friends! ☺️) But great point. Friendship is something we didn’t deserve from God, yet He gave it anyway.

Thanks, that did help a lot!

Thanks for offering! I guess you could pray for my communication. I really don’t like conflict, so I tend to let misunderstanding and resentment fester instead of talking about it, and I’m always justifying why something isn’t “bad enough” to have to talk about.

I know what you mean. When this got published it wasn’t an issue that I was really struggling with at the moment, but the past few days have been a fight within myself in which I have been nigh on ready to giving up pursuing friendships at all. Thanks for freshly reminding myself of its worth. 😉

Also I have been pe pals with this one girl over he course of about 4 yrs. well just recently we started texting and realizing how similar we are and now we are like twins. I would love to meet but she lives nearly 10 states away. But I’m sooo Glad God brought her into my life!

Yes! You can write your heart to them and take awesome! I really hope I get to meet her some day. Lol I just realized her name is also Hannah.

Thanks. My mother chose it for me. Haha lol

This past year I’ve felt how painful friendship really is. My best friend came *this* close to dying and I’ve stood by his side for the past 4 months as he’s been recovering. It’s been the most painful time of my life but it’s been totally worth it!

Thanks for the article!

When it comes to relationships I’ve come to learn that there are some relationships that are just for a season, or maybe you want to be friends with someone but it wasn’t in God’s will. One thing about me is that I love others easily and I tend to get attached to people, which could be dangerous, esp. if a relationship was only for a season, then it really hurts to let that person go. But yeah, I’m a people person, so I can’t just avoid meeting new people and making friends. That won’t work!!! 😉

Just a few years ago is when I really started having real, true friends!! I met my closest friend two years ago, and she’s rockin’ awesome!!! God definitely orchestrated that. I can always tell when God joins me with someone. Having friends of both genders is awesome!! As you said though, having friends comes with ups and downs. I’ve never been in a fight with a friend, but it sure does hurt when I have to let someone go.

You’re right, you have to be intentional for sure, and show that you care, by calling, emailing, etc. It definitely is hard when the friendship is totally one-sided, and you’re doing all the initiating. For me though, it’s not so much that I’m ALWAYS doing the initiating, but it’s I just take the time to call, even when I really don’t have the time. I make time. You know? Although, I do A LOT of initiating!!

Anyway, great article!!

OH MY GOSH!! I’m so glad God used my comment to encourage you. PRAISE HIM!!

Sometimes not only is the relationship temporary, but it’s possible that God didn’t want it to be. I understand though. I get attached too, so I try not to get too attached, and certainly not to early into the relationship. In the past I’ve been too busy wanting to be someone’s friend for some particular reason and totally am not listening to God and open to the possibility that someone may not supposed to be in my life. You know? I’ve recently accepted that everyone’s not going to be my best bud, but rather just someone I know and may hang around here and there. I never want to a person or my desire to befriend them to take God’s place, ’cause it surely can happen!! It’s always best, I think, to let friendships and relationships in general just happen. I used to be the one that tried to work it out, and that NEVER works!!

I have close/true friend, friend, and acquaintance. That’s how I categorize some of my relationships. Just a fun fact!! 😉

Anyway. Thanks for responding!!

Sisters in Christ,
Gabrielle

I TOTALLY understand. You’re quite welcome. We are in this together sista!! 😉 Right back at you!!

Love,
Gabrielle