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Published on September 19th, 2015 | by Discussion Questions

What do you do when someone you love is addicted to porn?





ANONYMOUS WRITES: I have recently found out that my dad is addicted to pornography and that he has been for many years. This recent discovery has affected our family tremendously as we have always looked up to my dad and regarded him as a very strong Christian (we have always attended church with him).

I am very confused and don’t know what my role in this situation is. Should I speak to him about it or just pretend I don’t know? Should I just pray for him? It feels as if our normal family life has been completely overturned. What would you do in this situation? How can I help him and honour him as a daughter?


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  • Okie Gal

    This definitely sounds like a sin that can’t be overlooked. Someone, though not necessarily you, needs to lovingly rebuke him. If he keeps it up, have a group address it, then the elders, and so on until he either repents or is removed from the church. Like anything, it doesn’t make him unsavable. Be gracious, always focus on the gospel, and be ready to love him when it gets hard. Remember that all scripture is profitable for rebuke, and for building up in Christ. Your dad is hurting himself by this and love can’t let that happen. I hope this helps and I’m praying for you.

    • Unknown Anonymous

      Thank you very much for your advice and your prayers! God bless you.

      • Okie Gal

        Your quite welcome, hope it helped!

  • Kate

    I can’t imagine what your going through. I would just say to pray with all the time for him and that he would realize his mistakes and try to get help. I will be praying for you

    • Unknown Anonymous

      Thank you for your prayers! :)

  • Kate

    Also, I wouldn’t stop loving or respecting your dad. God placed him in charge of you and your family for a reason. God knows the plans he has for you. Everyone has faults and sins that they struggle with, and remember that the Bible says no sin is worse than another sin. Hope it helps

    • Unknown Anonymous

      Thank you Kate, I appreciate your advice. God bless you.

  • Haylie

    Anonymous I am most definitely praying for you. I feel unqualified to offer advice on such a topic, but don’t stop loving your Dad. He really needs you to support him right now, as your family goes through this difficult time. PRAY for him, pleading with God that your dad may see his fault. That is a tough situation. God be with you.

    • Unknown Anonymous

      Thank you Haylie. I am grateful for your advice! God bless.

  • Chris T.

    I’m very unqualified to give advice, but I want to let you know I’m praying for you and your family. I do know he best thing you can do is pray for him. If you’re comfortable with doing, you could also let him know you’re praying for him. I’m sure he’d appreciate that.
    “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

    • Unknown Anonymous

      Amen! Thank you Chris. I appreciate your advice. God bless.

  • tmselden

    I can’t tell you how grieved I am for you. The shame that comes from any sort of sexual sin is devastating to many. You are just an innocent bystander. Outside of God doing a major restoration in your dad’s heart, coupled with his godly repentance, prayer and faith for the healing of all affected is absolutely necessary. Your prayers should be for the restoration of his soul. You must be a supporter of him in what is right and good. One of your biggest challenges will be helping to support your mother and siblings and keeping hope alive. Also, try and separate yourself regularly from the situation so as you don’t get overwhelmed with your thoughts. Be with lovers of God to help you through each day. Stay in the Word as often as you can and absorb it into your soul. No one can totally understand what you are going through, except your Lord and Savior and Friend. I will sign off with a couple of scriptures for you.

    1 Peter 4:12-16 Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. If you are insulted for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you. But let none of you suffer as a murderer or a thief or an evildoer or as a meddler. Yet if anyone suffers as a Christian, let him not be ashamed, but let him glorify God in that name.

    Romans 8:28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

    May you find the incalculable peace and grace and mercy of God in this trial. I will be praying for your whole family.

    Directed by Him,
    Jean

    • Unknown Anonymous

      Thank you for your helpful comment, Jean, and for sharing those scriptures with me. I am very grateful for your good advice and your prayers. God bless.

  • Christy

    Wow, I can’t even imagine how hard this must be for you and the rest of your family. Trust is one of the most painful things to lose. I can assure you though, that I, and I’m sure many others from this website will be praying for you.
    I first want to say that as hard as it is, don’t lose faith in your dad. He may be going through some very sinful addictions, but we all have sinned far beyond any hope of redemption. The reason Christ died for us, is so that our sin-stained souls could be renewed.
    My best advice to you probably will not seem significant, but that is to pray. Pray fervently for your dad. God can do anything.
    My dad was addicted to drugs when he was younger, and almost died from an overdose. He prayed and asked God to take away his addiction, and just like that, it was gone without a trace.
    Sometimes it feels like pray doesn’t work. I am guilty of thinking this so many times myself. But remember, God has got everything under His amazing control. He hears your prayers, he will be your Father even when your earthly father lets you down. Don’t be afraid to ask Him for help.
    You also might want to talk to your mom about it. Sharing how you feel with someone can sometimes be so fulfilling…it would probably even benefit her too!

    Praying for you!

    • Unknown Anonymous

      Thank you, Christy, for your comment. I found it very helpful! Most of all, thanks for your prayers. God bless.

  • Louis Gervais

    Of the responses you mentioned, I think prayer is the most important. And, when God gives you peace about what to do, obedience.

    • Unknown Anonymous

      Amen! Thank you for your advice Louis! God bless.

  • tmselden

    I reread your post and didn’t realize that his behavior was being hidden. God is very specific about what we are to do when being confronted with darkness.

    Ephesians 5:11-13 Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret. But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible,

    It is very hard to do, and because of the sexual nature of his sin, he needs to be confronted by someone in authority. You might need to seek counsel from a pastor or tell your mom. It is essential to start the process as you do not know how his actions are affecting others.

    Expect things to get harder before they get better, but for your mother, you and any relatives or siblings that are in contact with him, you must step out. If not, it will get worse. He is deceived and is being deceived and the Bible states that he will go from bad to worse. Hopefully, he will seek help.

    Sincerely in Him,
    Jean

    • Unknown Anonymous

      Thank you Jean. Your Biblical advice is much appreciated! God bless.

  • Abby

    I don’t really have any advice to give on this topic, but I am praying for you and your family. Just don’t give up on your dad, or God’s ability to help him out of this.

    • Unknown Anonymous

      Thank you Abby. Your prayers are really appreciated! By God’s grace I will not give up on him, nor on God’s ability to help him out of this! God bless you.

  • PJ Gerber

    Hey guys, this comment isn’t so much for Anonymous but more for me.
    I’ve been struggling with the same sin has her dad has, and I just wanted to reach out and ask you guys for help, cause I can’t go along with it alone anymore, I’ve tried and failed for More than a year now, and I just don’t know anymore.

    • Hi there.

      I just prayed for you, dude. I get what you’re talking about. It just isn’t easy at all. There are so many things that could be said to try to help someone like you with this, but my mind must be blanking out because I’m not coming up with much right now.

      Something I’d really like to recommend to you though is to find a strong Christian man where you live to get help from. Preferable someone you will see regularly. Maybe a pastor or just another Godly man in your church. But here’s my advice: go talk to him and just tell him what’s going on. Tell him where you’ve been and tell him where you want to be. I know, I know, this is not an easy thing for most people to do. But hey look, you had the courage to post this comment here, so I’m sure you’d be able to talk to a guy you know and trust. Right? Okay, so my hope is that he will be able to not only give you some great advice, but also keep you accountable. There’s something really helpful about getting someone to check up on you. Be 101% honest with him. You are not expected to be completely victorious in every battle. It doesn’t usually happen that way. But I think that talking to a local guy about this would really help you.

      I thought of a couple things for you to consider. One is that, if you know Jesus personally and have been saved by Him, then you don’t have to fight this alone and have everything you need to have victory over this. You are not a slave to it. So don’t ever believe or pretend that you are. Pursue righteousness. Pray for courage to run from evil. It is soooo worth avoiding. So yeah man, keep fighting this. The key to having victory though, is to love Jesus more than this stuff. So spend time with Him. What’s not to love about the One who died to set you free? Read the Bible. It will seriously help you.

      One last thing. I recently stumbled across an article that I thought was very insightful and might put things into perspective for you. So here it is: http://www.boundless.org/advice/2010/how-might-single-guys-handle-their-sexual-urges-in-a-christ-like-manner

      Forgiven and Free,
      Sam S.

    • Sara Alicea

      Hey, I just want you to know that I’m praying for you. I know what it’s like, I haven’t struggled with the same sin, but something like that. Trust me, God can work miracles and He can set you free from situations that you are physically incapable of getting out of yourself. Trust in His amazing power and DON’T GIVE UP.

    • Haylie

      Praying for you, PJ :)

    • Jediah

      Other’s have said this too P.J., but get help, I can’t emphasize that enough. I struggled with this for 3 years before someone else found out, and during that time I was constantly struggling to break free, but I couldn’t break away, alone very few can. So get someone’s help. If you aren’t close enough to your parents that you are willing to ask someone else(who isn’t struggling with the problem also!) to help you. There are a variety of ways, but usually I struggled when board, so if they can just be available to call whenever you need that could do it. There are also great website blockers(some of which are free and some of which aren’t) which are highly effective. Any way you do it though, do it with someone. Man is not meant to be an island, and obviously you realize it as you are willing to ask on here.
      Good Luck!

    • PJ Gerber

      Thank you all of you, I’m planning to tell my friend, I havnt been able to because I guess it’s kinda a pride thing, but guess I’m just gonna have to swallow it, again thanks guys for the encouragement.

    • Unknown Anonymous

      Praying for you PJ. Don’t think you’re fighting this battle alone… God is with you, and countless others are too. Be bold and stand strong! God bless.

  • BR!ANNAH

    Definitely pray! It absolutely powerful!!! I recommend seeing WarRoom! It shows you the power of prayer!

    • Unknown Anonymous

      Thank you for your advice! Prayer is powerful indeed.

  • Hi Anonymous, I’ve been thinking about this question a LOT and I feel really bad, but I don’t have a lot of advice! As a daughter, it’s hard to know our role in something like this….If you read my comment (it’s currently waiting approval by the Reb) in reply to PJ Gerber’s comment …I don’t know if your dad is being receptive to help or is desiring to change, but the apps I mentioned may be a tangible way to help him overcome this issue. Even if you aren’t the one ot mention the idea to him directly, you could always give the idea to your mother or someone else who may be counseling him….Just a thought…
    Please know I’m praying for you and I can’t imagine how hard this must be for all of you…I’m not only praying for you, but your dad, mom, brothers/sisters, and other people whom this may have affected….

    • Unknown Anonymous

      Thank you Megan! Your prayers are really appreciated! God bless you.

  • I’m so sorry, Anonymous! This must be so tough. This may not be applicable to every situation, but my parents have put down guidelines for us specifically so that we don’t accidentally (or intentionally) run into things like this.

    All technology has to be in a central place. I can’t even take my laptop to my room, unless I get special permission like if i want to watch a movie or something. My parents have a filter on my brother’s accounts and they check my history. They also have all the codes and passwords to our devices, so I can’t even get on without them knowing. As a family, we want to be accountable to each other.

    Honestly, the first step is admitting that you need help. This culture is so messed up and its so hard for guys to remain pure. I am so sorry that its this way!

    Try looking up Eric Ludy, he has some resources for this type of situation.

    Anonymous, I wish i had more thoughts for you (everyone else has done great) But know that my family and I are praying for you and other families and individuals like you!!

    • Unknown Anonymous

      Dear Liana, thank you very much for sharing that with me. Accountability is so important and I am very inspired by your family’s good ideas. I will look up Eric Ludy, thanks for the advice. I really appreciate your comment and your prayer- it is just as meaningful as any of the others! God bless you.

      • Please know that you’re STILL in my prayers!

  • Regan Seba

    Anonymous, I will start by saying that I can’t even imagine what you’re going through right now. My heart hurts for you as I think about the pain you must be feeling right now. Know that I am praying for you. I honestly don’t know if what I’m going to suggest are applicable for you, but I hope that it helps.

    1. Pray. Pray, pour out your heart to God. He listens, He feels your pain.

    2. Tell your dad, without getting furious, how much he hurt you, and then that you are praying for him. Perhaps asking him what you can do to help if he is repentant, or simply telling him if he’s not.

    3. Find a person that you can trust removed from the situation to talk to fairly regularly(like once a week or something). I always appreciate being able to talk to someone who isn’t part of my daily life about things that I struggle with or am feeling down about for some reason. Because they aren’t invested in the situation themselves they often have insightful advice. Maybe it’s someone from church, maybe it’s just a friend who cares and wants to help but doesn’t know how. Remember that you are affected profoundly by this too and need to talk about it. I never feel better about bottling things up, although I still do it more often than not.

    I pray that God would heal you and your family, and that he would convict your father to change and that your dad would see that you love him, as you so obviously do. I see that you still have respect for him because you asked how to help. I see your love even in your hurt. You asked how you can honor and help your father in this. You are already honoring him by seeking out the right action, not rushing in without thinking. God sees that. I pray my advice was helpful for you.

    You are in my prayers.

    Regan

    • Unknown Anonymous

      Dear Regan, heartfelt thanks for your honest advice and for your prayers. I am very grateful to you! Thank you once again. God bless you.

  • I recommend K9. Good suggestion. It supports restricting hours a little bit too.

    It isn’t extremely powerful compared to K9, but I also recommend OpenDNS Family Shield.

  • Oh wow! I hadn’t thought of it that way, but you’re right! Thank you so much for catching that!

    I apologize for not thinking longer before writing this comment. Please forgive my rashness in writing this. I’ll try to be much more careful in how I word what I write.

    Thanks again!
    Trent

    • Thank you for your humble response, Trent. I’ve told you before how proud I am of you and how much I appreciate the investment you are making in our generation.

  • Fred

    HI IM FREEEED

  • Excellent, Joseph. Thanks for pointing out how “addictions” have been broken.

  • Samantha

    I did things I am very ashamed of with my brother years ago and rarely thought about it until recently. I’ve lied to protect this and am now considering telling a woman confidante.

    • Unknown Anonymous

      I think that is a good idea. Honesty is an incredible thing and God can use it to help us, and others, to heal. Holding you up in prayer. God bless.

      • Sami

        I told her on Sunday. Thanks.

        • Unknown Anonymous

          Praying for healing, freedom and total forgiveness in your situation. May God be glorified.

          • Sami

            Thank you.

  • Danny

    A bit late, but better late than never…

    I’d recommend taking it to your pastor. He should be able to help!

    • Unknown Anonymous

      Thank you for your advice.

  • Jesse

    i have struggled with this in the past but it has ended with me i was extremely ashamed of myself why? i violated my family’s trust!! they love me and i love them but that just overtook me but than my brother talked to me shared the gospel with me and it ended to this day i’m not doing it so if you are feeling confident talk to your dad pray with him lots of men women included struggle with this i know friends that did this too and i especially know the struggles while you like it you also are extremely hurt by it

    • Unknown Anonymous

      Thank you for sharing your testimony and for your advice. I really appreciate it. God bless you.

  • Unknown Anonymous

    Thank you for your very helpful advice! It is encouraging to know that there are others out there who have overcome this sin and who are willing to share their story to encourage others. God bless you.

  • Unknown Anonymous

    Thank you, Jediah, for your really good advice and especially for your prayer. I am so grateful for fellow Rebelutionaries, like yourself, who have taken the time to encourage me during this struggle. God bless you.

  • Unknown Anonymous

    Thank you for your encouragement, your prayers and good advice too! God bless.

  • Unknown Anonymous

    Thank you so much for sharing your story, Manda. It was a blessing to me and I am grateful for your prayers, encouragement and good advice. God bless you.

  • Unknown Anonymous

    Thank you for your comment, Brett. It was very helpful to me. God bless.

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