Articles father_daughter

Published on May 16th, 2015 | by Jaquelle Crowe

6 Lessons From My Father on How to Pick a Spouse





My dad is going to help me pick out a husband. He’s not the shotgun-toting type, and we don’t believe in arranged marriages. I’m not from another culture or planet and I’m not a crazed fanatic.

Yet my dad is helping me choose my husband. In fact, he’s already done that.

No, I’m not getting married yet. I’m not even eighteen. But over my childhood and teen years I have watched my dad serve my mom and model for me what a godly husband looks like. I have watched as he has applied biblical marriage advice and demonstrated and taught me how to choose a godly mate.

Here are six lessons I learned from my dad on how to pick a spouse:

1. Look for someone imperfect.

If you’re looking for the perfect spouse, I’m sorry to disappoint you: there is no such thing. Thanks to Adam’s sin, we are all born imperfect (Rom. 5:12). We are sinners.

Yet those of us who have repented of our sin and trusted in Christ are now saved by His blood. He is the only perfect spouse, the One who gave Himself up for His bride – the church (Eph. 5:25-27). And now He has redeemed us and His Spirit is sanctifying us.

But we’re not fully sanctified yet. Sometimes my dad speaks harshly. Sometimes he makes a mistake. Sometimes he sins. He is flawed.

As is my mom. Their marriage is not perfect because they are not perfect. But they are both passionate pursuers of Christ and so they repent of their sin. They smooth out conflict. They say I’m sorry.

They model failure, but they also model reconciliation.

2. Look for someone who will love you more than life.

From the time I was little, I knew it as a fact. Never once did I doubt it: my dad would give his life for my mom. He wouldn’t think twice about it. He loves her with a deep, self-sacrificial love.

But he has never had to actually die for her and so that same love compels him to sacrifice for her in little, real ways every day. He gives up late work hours to spend time with her. He takes her on date nights. He cleans the house. He spontaneously brings her flowers. He rebukes her sin. He prays with her. He reads books with her. He makes her dinner.

Every day I see it: he loves her. And that makes him want to sacrifice his own desires to serve her needs.

3. Look for someone who will love Jesus more than you.

My dad has never made it seem like a choice. Jesus is God. A spouse is a gift from God. We owe our allegiance, our worship, our gratitude to the Giver and we love the gift because it reflects His goodness.

I don’t want a spouse who will put me on a pedestal higher than the Almighty. I don’t deserve that place in someone’s heart, and I can’t live up to the expectations of an idol. Sure, it seems romantic in movies, but in a Christian marriage? It will destroy it.

After my dad finished seminary he moved us two thousand miles away from his and my mom’s family. Not out of spite, but because that’s where God was calling us. My mom submitted joyfully, yet she still struggled with going so far away from home. But my dad loves Jesus more than my mom, and so even when she was uncomfortable he put his duty to Christ above his love for her.

That’s the story of a good marriage. That’s the image of a godly spouse.

4. Look for someone with your parents.

I read Voddie Baucham’s What He Must Be … If He Wants to Marry My Daughter with my dad. The book — a list of qualifications of a godly husband — sparked tons of discussion. We occasionally got my mom in on them. “What would this look like?” we asked. And we talked and we looked at Scripture and we agreed that my dad would be involved in my selection of a spouse.

No, my dad is not actually going to choose my husband for me. But he will be involved in the process. He is my protector and my provider right now. He has a responsibility to me to help me pick a godly husband.

That means that my potential spouse will get to know my family, and both of my parents will be involved. They will help me guard me heart. They will keep me accountable. They will help me set boundaries. They will give me advice. They will love me and support me.

5. Look for someone who is chasing after biblical personhood.

God has designed men and women with different functional roles. They are not the same, but they are not unequal. They are complementary. The Bible instructs men to be leaders and protectors of their home and women to be submissive caretakers (Eph. 5:22-23; Titus 2:4-5).

My dad has consistently modeled biblical manhood. He has led my mom as a servant-leader, humbly and lovingly serving as the headship of our home.

And my mom has never bucked under his God-given authority. She has portrayed a vivid image of biblical womanhood, a nurturer who loves and serves her husband, who makes decisions with him, who offers him counsel, but one who submits to him at the end of the day.

I want a husband who is trying to be a man after God’s own heart, who is not caving to societal gender confusion, who is chasing after biblical manhood. And I, conversely, am attempting to be a girl who pursues biblical womanhood to prepare myself to be someone else’s godly spouse.

6. You don’t need a spouse.

My dad has taught me a lot about looking for a potential mate, but above all, he has taught me that I don’t need a spouse. My happiness is not dependent on a partner. Only when my joy is found in God will I be complete.

Delight in Christ, and take joy in Him. If God grants me a spouse, it will be in His good time and for His glory.

Thanks, Dad.


Share Your Thoughts in the Comment Section!

There are currently 14 Comment(s)


Photo courtesy of Roland Lakis and Flickr Creative Commons.


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About the Author

is the 19-year-old editor-in-chief of The Rebelution. She's a contributor to desiringGod, Unlocking the Bible, and The Gospel Coalition and the author of This Changes Everything: How the Gospel Transforms the Teen Years (Crossway, March 31, 2017). She also hosts a podcast for youth called Age of Minority.



  • Emigb4

    I love this article, especially the lesson on “looking for someone imperfect.” You always write great articles, Jaquelle. Thanks for the food for thought. Also, I’ve never had the great honor and privilege of commenting first, so the fact that I got to on this article makes me really happy for some reason :).

  • Becca<3

    fantastic points! I’m so beyond blessed to have a dad like this, who wants me to grow as a woman of God and treasures me and is involved in my (someday) finding a godly spouse. Thanks for this today!!

  • Cassie

    This. Is. So. Good!! I am so thankful or a dad who has modelled the same to me, and who will be willing to be involved in my life as I grow up and find a spouse (of course, that’s not definite).

  • Thanks Jaquelle, this is an amazing article! My parents aren’t perfect either but they done good :) Thanks for sharing. Still need to read that one by Voddie Baucham…

  • Hi Jaquelle,
    I’ve seen a few discussions on the attributes guys want to see in their future-wife. This could be because guys are shyer about talking about their feelings.

    I feel that what both guys and girls can do to prepare for marriage is said well when you said:

    “I want a husband who is trying to be a man after God’s own heart, who is
    not caving to societal gender confusion, who is chasing after biblical
    manhood. And I, conversely, am attempting to be a girl who pursues
    biblical womanhood to prepare myself to be someone else’s godly spouse.”

    Thank you, Jaquelle.

  • Josh A

    Haha, I love your first point! I’m stealing this from someone, but think about this: if you ever found a truly perfect girl/guy, why would they want to marry someone imperfect like you? =P Thanks for writing! =)

    • Great stolen point, Josh

      • Josh A

        😁😄 =P Thanks!

    • MimeforJesus :)

      You read Boundless? Or did you steal that from somebody else?

      • Josh A

        Eh? Never heard of boundless. 😁I don’t remember where I heard it, actually. =)

        • MimeforJesus :)

          It’s something Focus on the Family set up for single twentysomethings. And yes, I read it.

          • Josh A

            Lol ok. =)

          • MimeforJesus :)

            Yep :)

    • never met anyone who’s perfect. Chances are, they have issues too. You just don’t see them right away. THIEF!!! 😀

  • Josh A

    Good thoughts! Hey, completely random thing: do know that if a guy asks for your number, it’s not necessarily because they want to “go out” with you or whatever. I have quite a few girls’ numbers but I don’t date yet. =)

    • I have a few numbers from guys. I forgot to mention in my post that the dad number giving is mostly for the not-so-nice dudes at my public high school. I’ve heard Godly men are better than Christian boys. Can you please give your take on that Josh?

      • Josh A

        Ahhhhh ok! I’m not really sure what you mean by “I’ve heard Godly men are better than Christian boys.” Could you clarify?

        • I guess when people say this they refer to the difference in men and boys. To you, what is the difference between a man and a boy?

          • Josh A

            WHOOPS! I’m so sorry I totally forgot about this…well, Paul says when I was a youth I thought like a youth, but now…etc. So I’d say it’s more of a “mental” rather than a “physical” thing, ya know? What do you think?

          • I think that it is in part physical because godly men are willing to use their strengths for good. Manhood is also spiritual because of the leadership and servanthood attitude. And it’s also mental because they guard their hearts and minds.

            What do you think is good for godly women? I want to try my best to become the best me I can be.

    • Just a thought here, even if it is a little late. I’m very cautious about texting or even emailing or even discussing too much with guys online. First, girls can get emotionally involved with a guy, even if they aren’t close in real life or even if they haven’t met! Its sounds really stupid, but its how we work.

      I don’t think guys really understand this. They can be talking over technology with a girl and be totally okay with it. But a girl might be getting too emotionally involved. I’m not saying you shouldn’t text a girl or email them. Just be careful. Things can get out of hand really quick.

      • Josh A

        That’s great, thanks for the thoughts! Ironically, I just started texting a girl that I met on here/Revive. I’ll be careful! =)

        • I don’t mean to be preachy or strict, but I, personally, wouldn’t do that.

          You sound like a really friendly person and extrovert so you probably really love hanging out and communicating with people, which I don’t really understand, but kind of do since I live in a houseful of extroverts 😛

          Seriously though, say you were dating or engaged or even married to someone. How would you feel if they were texting or emailing a bunch of guys, even if the content wasn’t suggestive. You probably wouldn’t like it. So my thought is try to keep your future wife in mind when you decide whether you should, or shouldn’t communicate with this person.

          I know that my parents have the rule that you can’t text or even “friend” on Facebook the opposite gender unless they’re family or really, really close friends. If I do though, like if I’m planning something and have to be in communication, I need to show them what I write and keep the conversation focused. Even on here, I have to be careful what I say or do with guys and try to keep things either God centered or very casual.

          Again, I don’t mean to be assuming or weird about this, I just know how a girl feels about this and what their thoughts are on it. :)

          • Josh A

            Thanks for your thoughts, Liana! I actually copied this and sent it to the girl (I kept your name out of it though, don’t worry) and here’s part of what she said: “no I don’t know anyone that would mind me talking to you. I don’t see anything wrong with us talking, like you said we’re just friends and we talk like friends do.”
            So thanks for the advice, we’ll stay careful! =)

          • Awesome! Text crazy now 😛

  • Skylar

    This was really cool, Jaquelle. Thank you! 😀

  • Christopher Witmer

    Good stuff, Jaquelle! Thanks for sharing, keep it up!

    • MimeforJesus :)

      Totally off-topic, but… you’ve been around here forever, and you only have 213 comments? How do you do it?

  • Great post! Especially the last point.

  • Mary

    I love how you didn’t focus on dating but finding a spouse. Dating is so typically more looked forward to than marriage but marriage is what God planned for us. I love the first point! It’s awesome that you have a dad that is involved in your life. =)

  • Andy Lopez

    Hey, thanks Jaquelle!
    This is one great article.. While i was finishing, i read this part “My happiness is not dependent on a partner. Only when my joy is found in God will I be complete.”
    I can still remember the day a girl I’d just met told me the same thing. I will never forget that and how true it is. The day we chose a partner thinking that once we have him/her we’ll be happy, we’ll be making the greatest mistake ever.
    Thanks!! 😀

  • Josiah J.

    I just glanced at your article, so far, but it looks excellent.

    Point number 3 is one of my favorites. :)

  • Grace Reece

    Hey Jaquelle, This is a conversation that my family has been having recently because my two older siblings are both about to leave (they’re going to work at a Christian Camp this summer and then, Lord willing, they’ll be going to college) and my dad is trying to give them some last minute advice and wisdom for their future and letting us “younger kids” be a part of it as well. I have to agree with you on all the points, but I especially agree on the last point. Both my parents were in their thirties before they got married and they both say they are glad they waited because waiting to marry the right person at the right time is better then marrying the wrong person at the wrong time. Anyway, Thanks for the reminder!

  • Daniel Jukes

    Great post i really like your 6 points.

  • alana

    This is a wonderful article. My dad didn’t and still doesn’t give that godly example your father gave you, so to everyone who does have that example: you are really fortunate. As for those like me without a godly father: look to godly father figures and use these 6 points.

    • Hi Alana. Thank you for your comment and for sharing about your own situation. I realize that not everyone has the same type of dad that I do and that I am very blessed.

      Though I have just prayed for you now, I will pray that God would continue to guide you through His Word and bless you as you seek to glorify Him, even through the challenges that you face. Blessings to you, Alana.

  • Rachel B.

    THank you so much for posting! I am blessed to have a dad like this as well; but I still learned more through your article. Thanks again!

  • thatcher

    my dad is helping me find a spouse as well.

  • Hey, thanks to you all for your kind and gracious encouragement. I know that I am truly blessed to have a dad like this; he’s a wise man, and I continue to learn from him. Many blessings to you!

  • Liam

    “I want a husband who is trying to be a man after God’s own heart, who is not caving to societal gender confusion, who is chasing after biblical manhood. And I, conversely, am attempting to be a girl who pursues biblical womanhood to prepare myself to be someone else’s godly spouse.”

    That’s very well put and certainly makes me examine myself. The thought came in my mind that we shouldn’t do these things just because we want to win someone over, that’s manipulation; we should try to pursue Biblical manhood (and the other things) first and foremost because it is right – because it’s what God wants us to do.

    I just think its so easy to do the right things but not do them for the right reasons.

    Thanks for the article Janquele!

  • Wow. I love this! I feel like I’ve finally found someone who understands. Most of my general acquaintances think the idea of having a father help you find your future spouse is some weird, foreign concept and to even suggest such a thing would imply that you are off your rocker. 😉 Then other people I know are at the point where they feel they will never be truly complete or happy unless they hurry up and find someone to marry. In your article you expressed my thoughts perfectly and I really appreciate your passion for the things God and your father have been teaching you. And I can definitely relate as my Dad is without question the best Dad in the entire world. 😜

  • I am 15 I don’t need a wife for more than I a few years or never. But if I do I want a wife that will love God more than me. And someone is imperfect but not to imperfect

  • YESSSSSS Jaquelle you are winning hearts all over! Praise God for you! :)

  • That’s a great article to keep in mind as we all grow older. I definitely do not need a husband right now but when I am ready, I’d like my parents to approve of him, they are much wiser and older than I am, and they are better equipped to evaluate someone’s character than I am, because they will not be emotionally blinded to his true character.

  • Josiah J.

    I read it all now, and I was right… very well done.

  • Allie Blue

    Very well said, and I couldn’t agree with you more!! I know that I don’t need a spouse , but if it’s God’s will for me to marry one day then I pray that it happens in His timing , and in His way.

  • Samuel G

    Great points there!

  • Melody McCusker

    Thank you for the great advice, Jaquelle.

  • Tatiana

    Thank you, for this great advice!

  • BelleIngalls

    Wow, great article, basically sums up everything my father and I have been discussing. I love Voddie Baucham, he always has an excellent way of explaining things! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences!

  • Ashlyn

    Thank you! This was wonderful!

  • Joyful joyful

    “Look for someone who will love Jesus more than you.”
    Thank you, I will remember this :)

  • Christina

    Ahhh! This is such a nice article! Thank you so much!

  • Emigb4

    Question for you, Jaquelle (nice article, by the way :D). When you say “No, my dad is not actually going to choose my husband for me. But he will be involved in the process,” what do you mean? How are you going to include your father in the spouse-choosing process exactly? It sounds cool and it’s something I’m interested in, but I’m not sure how to include my dad. Could you give me some examples of how I can include my dad in this process when the day comes?

    • Hi! Thanks for your comment and your interest. What I mean is that, depending on the circumstances, my dad will be involved with the process of my courtship (or intentional dating, or whatever you want to call it – basically, me getting in a relationship that leads to marriage). He will get to know my prospective spouse. He will hold both me and my prospective spouse accountable. He will act as a mentor for us and an informal counselor.

      He will also help protect my heart by discouraging me from dangerous relationships. He is even doing stuff now for me even though I have no prospective spouse on the horizon – praying for me, talking to me about what a biblical spouse is, and modelling what a godly husband looks like.

      I’d say that if you want to get your dad involved now, just open up the conversation with him. You could even ask to read Voddie Baucham’s book, “What He Must Be … If He Wants to Marry My Daughter” with him. Every father-daughter relationship is different, but I think that it’s really cool and important to have my dad involved with picking my spouse.

  • Samuel G

    I think part of the benefit of reading these points is that they show me things I need to work on in my life right now. (I am doing very well on the first one though… :)

    • MimeforJesus :)

      That made me laugh! :) I think all of us are pretty far along on that one.

      • Samuel G

        Good to hear.

    • aren’t we all.

  • Al Ive

    I am finding it confusing that you have point 1.( Look for someone
    imperfect.)

    Yes it’s true We are all sinners. (but being now justified by his blood) I understand “… he who has begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:” we are a work in progress…

    But how can that then fit with point 4. Voddie Baucham’s — a
    list of qualifications of a godly husband —

    Who are you going to find that fits that LIST
    when as you’ve pointed out, we all are Imperfect?

    We need the Holy Spirit to guide us as disciples of Christ, Wisdom from elders is great, but they are not infallible
    The Bible
    should be our first interpretation not someone’s idea, (careful not to idolize certain trains of thought no matter how Biblical they may sound, measure it WHOLLY against God’s
    Word!)

    • Hi Al. Even though we are imperfect, it doesn’t mean that we don’t look for those who will aid us in our Christian walk. My point was rather not to let unrealistic expectations be our guide.

      And I am certainly not suggesting that we rely on human guidance instead of the Holy Spirit’s through His Word. I would never want anyone thinking that. What is helpful about Voddie Baucham’s book is that it is centered on the Bible and offers sound counsel based on Scripture’s principles – which is always, as you said, to be our source and guide.

      I hope I could clear up your confusion.

  • This also helps me to know what to work on. If I should marry a man like this, I should deserve him. I don’t right now. So I really appreciate your thoughts on this and its application to my life!

    And I know this is pretty random and weird, but are there guys like this out there? I haven’t met one yet.

    • Hi Liana. Yes, this is something that I continually attempt to work on too. And thank you for your encouragement!

      As far as your question, YES, there are definitely guys like this out there! While they (like us) are certainly not perfect, there are guys who are pursuing Christ above all else. They are around. And even if you don’t meet one for a while, that is when point #6 becomes very freeing. By the way, that question wasn’t random or weird at all! :)

      Many blessings to you, Liana!

      • ok, thanks! I appreciate it. This is very helpful for me!

    • Al Ive

      Hi Liana,
      As I was reading your comment “…I should deserve him. I don’t right now..” I just wanted to remind you of God’s Grace, “…that while we were yet sinners He sent His Son to die for us..” (God reminds us of this several times in His Word)
      You know that none of us deserve God’s Love and Grace, but the nature of God is that He loves us anyway.

      I don’t think it is a matter of being deserving, I believe it is a case of Love ~ God’s love ~ When we are focused on Christ as our Saviour, we have access to a generous covering of “…the love of Christ, which passes knowledge, that you might be filled with all the fullness of God.” (Ephesians 3:19)

      Basically what I’m trying to say is- Don’t try to earn your husband, The greatest thing you can give your (future) husband, is your heart that is already Christ’s.
      Trust God, read His Word & Follow Jesus, He is the one at work in you.
      “…All things work together for good to them that love God…” (Romans 8:28)

      • Thank you so much! This is so encouraging for me right now. I’ve been really discouraged about myself and this has just made my day and taught me a lot. So, thank you, thank you, thank you!!

  • Gabrielle

    Those are all great points!! I think one thing that’s good to remember is that you don’t need a spouse, like you said. We weren’t created just to get married. We were created for Him. Marriage is just a picture of Christ and His Bride. It’s important that we become content in singleness. Content and satisfied in God alone.

    Thanks for sharing Jacquelle!! :)

    • Noah M

      While it’s true that only in Christ can we be made full and complete. I don’t think I agree that you “don’t need a spouse.”

      1st Corinthians Chp. 7 says that “Each man is to have his own wife, and each wife is to have her own husband.”

      There is the gift of singleness, but just the fact hat it is a gift makes it clear that it is not common, and one should be very careful before one assumes that they have this gift.

      • Gabrielle

        I was saying don’t need a spouse in the sense that you dread being single and you feel like you absolutely NEED to marry as soon as possible instead of making the most of your single years how God would have you to until the time comes for you to marry.

        • Noah M

          Yes. Just felt the need to clarify 😉

          It’s easy to mix the two concepts together.

    • Olivia K

      Wow Gabrielle!! Well said! Thank you!!

  • acha648

    interesting how she misses the fact that she has to look for a man who will provide for her

    men pretending they are women and doing homemaking is not serving his wife…
    itis him getting job, working hard etc…

  • Anonymous

    Great points and all very true! My father hasn’t been a great example for me but it’s slowly changing and when it comes to relationships, he and my mom will be helping my sibs and I in picking our spouses just like you Jacquelle, in things like giving counsel and advice. Thanks for your great article!

  • I have to say, marriage shouldn’t be our first goal in life (i know I’m parroting you). I firmly believe that women should also have a career or at least a way to provide for themselves and their families. I want a career. I want to have a job that i love, so that I’m not discontent should I never marry. Yes, I would love to have a husband. Yes, I would be thrilled to pieces to be a mom. Yes, I would adore being a wife and mother, but I can’t base my happiness on that. Even if I do marry (which would be phenomenal!) I do want a bit of experience before marriage. I don’t think that getting married at 18 or whatever is very healthy! My “big sis” got married when she was 27 to the man of her dreams and she’s way happier than a lot of women I know who were married before 20. Just thoughts. :)

    • melan khole

      My parents got married at the age of 19 and my mom never had a career, and I could never have asked for a better upbringing. I don’t think it’s important at all for a woman to have a career if being a homemaker is what she wants to do, like in my mom’s case. I can’t tell you how blessed I am to have been brought up by a stay-at-home mom, and I wouldn’t dream of trading it for an upbringing where both parents had a job. And as for it not being healthy to marry at 18, it’s actually not healthy that we’ve pushed the age of marriage even that far; it’s one of many areas where the myth of adolescence that this site is all about has messed us up. Our bodies are meant to be married in our early teen years, and all the sexual struggles and temptations teens face are a result of that. For all the thousands of years of human history, people got married at around 14 to 16, and that’s only changed in modern times and it’s not natural. I’m not saying people should marry at14 in our modern society because that wouldn’t work at all in today’s world, but once you’ve reached our current age of adulthood, I would definitely advocate marrying young, as long as you’ve prayed hard and sought out a multitude of councilors to know this is the right person for you.

      • I liked your thoughts. However, I do have a few issues with marrying young. For example, men don’t mature as quickly as girls. Most girls are mature adults by 20sh at latest and their personality is fully developed. Guys aren’t that way. Most don’t completely mature until their mid twenties or even beyond.
        Secondly, if you make marriage your whole goal, what happens if you don’t meet the right one until later in life. I have known so many people who really wanted to get married, but they didn’t meet the right one until about thirty or beyond.
        I do realize the benefits of stay at home moms. I’ve been raised in a home where my mom was home, never had a career, and was, until recently, homeschooled. I was very blessed to have that.
        I do not want to be a stay at home mom. I don’t really want to homeschool. This probably sounds really bad, but its because I feel called. I know God has called me to have a career. I do want to get married, I do want to have a bunch of kids, I love that whole keeping house concept. But I need to meet a person who realizes that this and is ok with it.
        Honestly, it probably comes down to personal preference. I happen to believe in not keep your life on hold until you get married and I happen to be called to a career. I will always advocate women pursuing a career, but I find it really awesome when women put aside their careers to stay at home. It great. I’m just called to something different. Thanks for your thoughts Melon!

        • melan khole

          Well, if your concerns are about not being mature enough for marriage or not meeting the right person until later in life, then I think the takeaway message should really be “don’t marry before you’re ready,” not “don’t marry young.” Age is really not the issue here, and in ancient times, people fully matured and were ready to take care of themselves as teenagers, so the delayed maturing is something specific to modern society, rather than something that’s innate to most men, which is exactly the problem that this website is all about. So since our modern society is causing men, who would naturally be mature adults capable of providing for a family by their mid teens, to delay in fully maturing for an entire decade, and that delayed maturity causes them to not be ready for marriage until an older age, then wouldn’t maturing faster be a better and more fulfilling solution than marrying later? Obviously, that’s easier said than done, and it’s a much more difficult and strenuous path, but I think instead of advocating *against* marrying young, you should consider advocating *for* maturing young. I’m 19, and my hope is to be married within the next 2 years. Because of that, I’m focusing less energy into meeting girls, and more into building in my maturity and becoming the man I was meant to be, through prayer and by doing things that require and build discipline, like building my body, overcoming lust and addiction, and taking more initiative in my life. The only reason why most of our men aren’t ready for marriage until their mid-twenties and beyond is because we have other problems causing us to slow in our maturation, and I think it’s much better to attack the disease than to wait out the symptoms. And of course, making marriage your whole goal and putting your life on hold is out of balance, but that doesn’t make marrying young any less of a thing to strive for, or the path of singleness any less of a bitter struggle that’s usually stretched out more than it needs to be.

          As for women being stay-at-home moms, I have no problem with a woman having a career. I was responding to the fact that you made it a blanket statement that they should; “I firmly believe that women should also have a career or at least a way to provide for themselves and their families” strongly suggests that you think getting a career is better than being a stay-at-home mom and that every woman should. I know now from your reply that you didn’t mean it that way, but that’s how it came across. Personally, I think some women’s calling is to have careers and others should stay home, but I think we’re headed in the wrong direction in that respect; our current cultural climate is more and more shaming and discouraging women from choosing not to pursue careers in the name of “empowering women,” and stay-at-home moms are rapidly becoming something there’s not enough of in our society. In times when housewives were the norm and a woman pursuing a career was something that was looked down on, that was the time to advocate women get a career, but now, I think we’re entering (if we’re not already there) an age where it’s best to advocate women be stay-at-home moms, because that’s becoming the frowned-upon minority, and it’s something that is extremely important and beneficial to society; I wouldn’t be anywhere near where I am now if I was raised by two parents with careers. You’re called to have a career, and that’s great, but I think when something works for you or you’re personally called, it can be easy to fall into the trap of thinking everybody should do it this way, and that’s something to watch out for. (I’m not exempt from this either.) Anyway, it was great talking with you!

          • In my original comment I believe I meant that (its been a long time, so I’m hoping my memory is correct) women should, even if they intend to be a stay at home mom, have some type of training. That way, should something happen (like her husband dying, injury, or leaving) and her spouse is unable to work she has some means of supporting herself and her children. I would never try to shame/embarrass someone from choosing home over a career. Male or female. Its incredibly important for kids to feel that their parents are there. I realize this, and I want to be that kind of mom for my kids. I want to be a medical doctor or nurse practitioner in missions. Needless to say, I want my kids with me at the office and I will make them my priority. But I also will have to learn to balance that with a career.

            There are very few men I know that are the same person today than they were at nineteen.And I think its great that you’re trying to prepare yourself early. That so rare in a guy and encouraging to me! I’m not saying I wouldn’t marry a man young. In fact, that may be a very real possibility for me, but its something I wouldn’t take lightly. You can be stuck with a person for life, unfortunately.

            Anyway, I definitely don’t want to start a debate and I really do appreciate your thoughts. It’s been great talking with you too! :)

          • melan khole

            Ah, that makes more sense. I just lost my dad, and my mom has a marketable skill of sewing that she’s cultivated non-professionally for years. We’ve been talking about that as part of how we’re going to support this family now. You have a beautiful dream, and I hope your career path allows you to profoundly change the lives of many people!

            Thank you for your kind words; I’m glad I was able to encourage you. I agree, it’s definitely not something to take lightly. I once saw a comment about how Christians put marriage on a pedestal and they’re setting themselves up for disappointment because there’s a 50% chance of divorce, and I thought to myself, if you see it that way at all, if you look at your marriage as a statistic, going into it thinking whether you get a divorce is up to chance, then your chances of divorcing as soon as things get rough are next to 100, but if you go the opposite way and look at it as a true commitment, that you’ll work through anything through thin and through thick, and you know that the person you’re marrying has the same attitude, then your chances are next to 0. It takes true dedication and spiritual discernment to know that it’s the right time and the right person.

            I don’t want to start a debate either, and I’m happy to see that we’re not really in disagreement on any of this, just seeing things from different perspectives. God bless, and I hope your life will be a wonderful and amazing story!

          • I’m so sorry to hear about your dad! Wow. I’ve lost people very close to me as well, so I know how terrible it is. If its ok with you, I’ll add your family to my list of people to pray for! I love how you’ve described marriage. It’s really important to marry someone with similar values and aspirations as you.
            I think my original comment was something I did in a hurry and didn’t really think about how it would come across.

            Thanks for your thoughts! I’ve appreciate them a lot!

  • BR!ANNAH

    SUPER INSPIRING! Thanks so much Jackelle!

  • Arianna

    luv it!1 INSPIRING!! thank you

  • Nsb

    Thank you! It was inspiring as well a helpful!

  • Musical Ragamuffin

    Great article! You put it so well. I’ve tried to figure out how to say my parents will be involved, but you explained it well!

  • CallanB

    You offered so much insight on this subject for the future. Thank you for giving me some idea where to start!😊

  • Olivia K

    I’ve been really struggling a LOT lately…i’m glad I found this article. It was helpful for sure. Thanks for taking the time to write it for all of us out here to read! I appreciate it!

    A church friend of mine recommended and loaned me his “Do Hard Things” book, which I’d never heard of at the time. I finally finished it a few days ago…my goodness I have a whole new outlook on a lot in life thanks to that book. So thankful for this site and blog postings like this I’ve come across now too!!

  • Reigha Sunshine

    I have so enjoyed reading the comments on this post! The encouragement that has come out of the disagreements and conversations below is so beautiful! It’s such a refreshing change to the regular comment sections on secular things. Thank you guys! (btw, is the modesty survey still up somewhere? I am reading “Do Hard Things” for the first time right now, and I really would love to check out the survey!)

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